When God Equals Fear instead Refuge
I was blessed to grow up in a Christian home. My parents taught me at a young age to ask Jesus for strength and comfort when I felt scared or sad. I knew that God was my heavenly father, and I could call on Him for help. When I began having symptoms of anxiety/OCD as a young teen, I noticed that going to the Bible or talking to God in prayer actually caused me to think awful thoughts that took me by surprise. The experience was not pleasant and made me fearful to go to Him. The often grotesque or mean thoughts about God shot out of a dark place and would stop me in my tracks because they made me feel out of control of my mind. I didn’t understand why I thought such awful things about God when I thought I loved Him. The disconcerting thoughts came in waves, gushing through my brain despite all my fist-clenching efforts to stop them. It was downright terrifying.
I started to suspect that God wouldn’t love someone who thought such hateful things and no matter how distressed I was by my thoughts I was convinced I actually wanted to have them. I was certain I was rejected by God and there was no way back into His good graces.
I remember I had a Winnie the Pooh journal that I cherished. It had a puffy bright blue cover with polka-dots, very eighties. Prior to the scary thoughts, I loved expressing myself by writing in it. I wrote out prayers to God or told him about my day. I suddenly got this urge to write the phrase “In Jesus’ Name Amen” at the end of each prayer. That compulsion evolved into writing the phrase more than one time. It then evolved into saying the words aloud over and over until it “felt right.” If I didn’t do those tasks in a way that felt “perfect” I was convinced I’d be certainly cast out by God, destined to spend eternity away from Him. My safe place at the feet of Jesus had become a place of obsession and fear.
All the fear categories of OCD are difficult to experience, but scrupulosity is particularly hard for Christians because God goes from being a Savior to a scary place. Understanding that we all fall short and need forgiveness gets lost in the weeds of the suffocating lies that feel entirely true. When this happens, can we still rest in God like everyone else? Can we feel confident that God doesn’t ever stop loving us? Can we really trust that our thoughts don’t scare God or even surprise Him?
The answer to all of those questions is, YES! No matter how OCD lies to us, the truth that Christ loves and died for us is forever true. Even if the awful things we think are thought on purpose, God always forgives us when we go to Him, and He will never cast us away.
The verse 2 Corinthians 2:9 was one my mother used to bring me comfort when I was distressed about going to the Lord in a “perfect” way. “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
We are all weak. Everyone will continue to fall short, BUT God is always faithful. He always keeps His promises. His power is sufficient in all the battles we face and we can take comfort in that! We don’t need to let the imaginative musings of our minds take control when such a loving God is the one in charge. He is all-powerful, we are not. What wonderful news! This truth helps me remember that my thoughts are not too hard for God to handle. I can walk away from my fears (likely uncomfortably at first!) resting in the truth that He is working through my weakness and my lying OCD!
