The Moment I Knew Why…
When I was about to turn seventeen years old I met the boy who would later become my husband. I remember feeling unworthy to be with him. He was so steady, confident, and resolved in his faith. I knew he was the one for me, but deep down I worried that because of all the scary thoughts I had, I wasn’t girlfriend or someday wife material. My mom used to plead with me to go talk to a counselor about all my thoughts, but it always felt like she was trying to punish me for them. How would saying my scary thoughts out loud to a stranger ever be helpful for me??? I was certain that talking to someone would only make things worse for me.
Finally, my desire to be a normal girlfriend won and I reluctantly agreed to see a counselor. (Don’t get me started on the word “normal.” That’ll have to be a whole separate blog post.) I will never forget the butterflies I had the day of my appointment and all the days leading up to it. I was terrified of what was going to happen in that room. I would have to put into the air all the strange thoughts and worries I obsessed over. I would have to articulate images and fears that terrified me. How would she respond? Would she agree that I was all the awful things I worried I could be? How would she explain what seemed so unexplainable?
The room was oddly still, but my heart was racing as I hesitantly articulated my internal fears to a complete stranger. I worried I wouldn’t express myself “just right” and she wouldn’t get a full understanding of my complex fears. She sat quietly listening to me, sipping her coffee as though she were relaxing at a seaside café, not listening to a jittery teenager. She didn’t appear alarmed by my thoughts. I wondered at one point if I was explaining myself well enough because she remained calm the entire time I spoke. Suddenly she said, “I know why you are having these types of thoughts and the condition has a name. It’s due to a chemical imbalance that can be treated.” I remember feeling stunned. Not only was she unfazed by my thoughts, but she had a reason and diagnosis for them! She went on to give me a treatment plan and an explanation for what was happening in my brain due to a lack of serotonin.
My mom and I danced around happily when I got home after I reported this serious, but also remarkable news to my family. My fears were tamable. My mental anguish had been understood and explained to me for the first time. There was deep joy in the hard news regarding how God created me. He was providing aid, something I’d begged him for.
I randomly remembered this experience the other day and thanked God for the miracle that day was for me. It was the day I first learned my thoughts officially had no power and the day I experienced God providing tools for my mental health battles. It wasn’t going to be easy or comfortable to get treatment, but at least I knew what I was experiencing had a name. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder was the three words that set me free from the unknown and free to do the work to get better.
If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or unwanted thoughts you can also get help. God provides counselors to be safe places for refuge and medication to facilitate the use of strategies. Take heart that there is hope, and there are tools to provide relief. The process of healing might feel scary, but it’s worth it!
