Contamination Talk
For me, the winter of 2018 was a typical one for a mom with three kids. There was no Covid-19 or social distancing. The kids were bringing home their standard allotment of microscopic illnesses thanks to the tight quarters of the temporary trailers being used while their new elementary school was being built. I was freshly medicated for my OCD, but still learning how to practice trusting the process of tolerating my fears instead of avoiding them. Like most families with young children, we got a stomach virus that winter, a most dreaded illness in my mind. Despite seeing God work in the challenges of several past encounters with illnesses, the idea of having a stomach bug was paralyzing for me. After any exposure to stomach bug germs, I would live in a state of utter panic as I waited for one of us to show symptoms. I would often starve myself to keep from having anything to throw up should the opportunity present itself. I was choosing a stifled and careful way to live, but we still managed to get sick.
One afternoon, my oldest suddenly felt queasy and lost his cookies on the way to the toilet. I will spare you all the details because frankly, who really wants to read about that? Let’s just say, I had a lot to clean up. I was wearing a pair of brand-new slippers my mom had given me only a few days earlier for Christmas. They were faux suede with velvety tassels that hung confidently at the tops. I loved those slippers and loved even more that I no longer had chronically cold feet. On the afternoon of doom, my slippers were thrown off before I cleaned up the horrid mess. Looking back on it now, I can confidently say that I didn’t get a drop of anything scary on my slippers. I was uber careful about not getting them in the viral mess, but I still couldn’t bring myself to put them back on after the event was over. I carried them like a ticking time bomb up to my closet and threw them into the back where I couldn’t see them. I washed my hands and my mind of their existence from that moment on.
I painstakingly wore socks all that winter, often complaining about how nice it would be to have slippers. I still remembered where the cursed ones were, but their contamination still spoke far too loudly for me to face. I knew what needed to be done, but I just didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to be any more uncomfortable than I already was, so I sacrificed my slippers for the compulsion.
Fast forward to the winter of 2020 that hit hard with isolation and conveniently not a lot of illness. I comfortably basked in our good health, forgetting the stresses of cold and flu seasons of the past. Sure, everyone else was worried about a deadly virus, but I wasn’t. With all my extra time at home, I decided to organize the shoes in my closet and uncovered those contaminated, like new slippers of days gone by. I felt suddenly embarrassed and ashamed of my discovery. Had I really left those slippers in the dark for two solid years? Had I moved and deliberately shuffled them around for all that time because I honestly believed I’d get sick if I wore them?
The realization of my choices started the flow of shame that all too often comes with the compulsions of OCD. The rituals seem so logical and helpful, but in reality, they only serve to cause more anxiety and then embarrassment that leads to more shame. Avoidance feels crucial and inevitable, but with therapy, we learn that there is a choice that can be made. We can choose to face the fear in a different way and survive the discomfort brought on by the anxiety we experience. It’s not easy and it doesn’t feel intuitive, but it’s a skill that can be learned. We don’t need to become discouraged because each exposure is a chance to embrace a new way of thinking.
I finally wore those slippers all this past winter. I was tempted to be discouraged by my compulsion, knowing I’d chosen to avoid instead of face my fears. Thankfully, through my time in counseling, I’ve learned that compulsions happen sometimes and that’s okay. I don’t need to wallow in my OCD-driven decision but can confidently take what I learn and move forward toward the next challenge. If you’ve had a setback with your OCD progress, please don’t let it get you down but instead convert it into determination for the next battle!
