A New Kind of Uncertainty, even for me.
The blank page has been calling to me these last few weeks as my mind has been a dump truck of swirling thoughts that can’t find a proper place to be dumped. I feel the weight of the world dragging behind me like a thousand pounds of heavy responsibility. Too many decisions to make amidst the noise of blaring warnings and shouted risks. I’m spending way too much time trying to figure it all out instead of resting in the comforts we find clearly in God’s word. I don’t want to pray. I’d much rather worry.
OCD craves certainty like a drug. I want to know what’s true while also demanding to know how the decisions I make will influence those around me, either good or bad. I do not want to be responsible for hurting anyone in any way. Right now, our world is overrun with issues that are particularly uncertain. We’re living in a time when our circumstances change from week to week as we all absorb the dangers of this new disease. To some, the decisions of what to do in these new situations are simple, but to me, there is no certainty no matter what I decide.
Do we know the long-term effects of the vaccine? What are all the long-term effects of Covid? Do we go to this party, or do we stay home to stay safe? Do we need a mask in this situation or don’t we? Can my kids handle virtual school again if we cross that bridge again? How did the last two years influence their overall fears of germs? Will masks become a compulsion for them? Will they start to have OCD because we’re living like we are because of Covid? What’s the best way for me to take care of them in these situations? What’s best for their physical health? What’s best for their mental health? What will people think if I – (fill in the blank here with a million possibilities)?
I am trying to navigate all these questions and quite frankly, I have decision fatigue. It’s all too much. I can’t possibly decide what to do with total certainty about what the outcomes will be. It’s hard for me not to obsess and ruminate about what I may cause. The reality is that there are possible risks with any and of all the Covid related decisions we make, no matter the angle. I can’t know exactly what’s going to happen because of my decisions and that makes my OCD (and my human nature) stand up in protest. I want certainty and I want it now.
My faith informs the strategies I take with my OCD and helps me refocus when certainty feels particularly elusive like it does right now. Then I read a verse sent to me by a friend and my heart hears the truth it needs in every new moment of chaos.
“The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.” – Isaiah 14:14
This verse states very clearly the strategy I need to take as I move forward in this dark and extra foggy world. Right now, we are all sitting awkwardly in piles of terrifying uncertainty. My OCD has helped me learn how to ride the wave of fear that comes with sitting in that very unwelcoming spot. It’s never a fun activity, but I find the benefits are more than worth the effort. My brain learns that the feelings of fear will pass, and God lovingly sits with me through every scary moment. The same is true as I attempt to make decisions for myself and my family regarding the current pandemic and all that comes with it. God has already fought the big fight by sending His son to die to defeat sin and death. The decisions are heavy, but God isn’t making us carry them alone. We can lean into Him for wisdom, and He will provide it along with the peace that only comes from trusting Him. My prayer is that I can trust in Him as I carefully navigate the challenges of Covid-19 today. His mercies are new every morning, even during a pandemic.
