To chew or the worry? That is the question.
I googled the definition of the word rumination out of curiosity and read two oddly similar definitions that refer to two uniquely different actions. I read them and proceeded to laugh out loud at the similarities of two processes that are unrelated, yet oh, so similar.
Definition number 1- “A deep or considered thought about something.”
Definition number 2- “The action of chewing cud.” (Cud being partly digested food returned from the first stomach of ruminants to the mouth for further chewing)
The idea of a cow chewing up partially digested food is disgusting. The process itself is a necessary and helpful one, but only for the cows. For someone like me, who fears throwing up, thinking about animals chewing their cud makes me shiver. It’s a process I’m glad I don’t have to watch or experience on the regular —or do I?
When my brain demands I live out a sequence of thoughts repeatedly, I’m no different than the cow burping up half-digested pieces of hay. I’m simply performing the routine in my mind, not my stomach as I regurgitate my fears over and over trying to make them disappear. I want to figure them out. I relive a memory or rethink a thought until it is digested perfectly. Like regurgitated grass, I want the thought to be chewed again and again so I can make the heaviness in my mind, instead of my stomach, disappear. Sometimes I must place fears into the second stomach of my brain, so I can chew on another one for a while. It’s a constant process that doesn’t end until the mystery has been solved or I’ve reached some contentment with the fear. But as soon as one obsession is resolved, another thought full of grass-flavored fear needs processing. When will the cycle of rumination end? Will it ever end?
On one level, everyone struggles to get off the hamster wheel of worry sometimes. It’s unavoidable in this sinful world where life gets challenging and worrisome. Rumination brought on by OCD is a compulsion that happens privately in the mind and is the process of dissecting thoughts or fears until a certain “just right” feeling occurs. Rumination is more than worry, it’s a chronic mental inspection that never rests or stops. My brain can be on repeat, determined to recreate a thought to prove my innocence or relive a memory to prove I wasn’t a bad mom or didn’t accidentally step in throw up. Sometimes I can ruminate to know for certain where the germs came from that got my children sick. Over and over thoughts, actions, fears, and memories are processed and reprocessed until a restful feeling occurs or a conclusion has been reached. The dicey truth is that these “important” concerns are nothing more than OCD fabrications or situations that simply aren’t certain. There cannot be a conclusion because life is full of uncertainty. Learning to live with the uncertainty brought on by intrusive thoughts is a difficult, but necessary skill to practice while overcoming OCD. We can learn to live with our unruly brains take control with constant chewing and regurgitating of fears.
I am thankful that God’s promises are certain. He promises to walk with me through the challenges of this world, including exhausting myself with rumination. Getting off the roller-coaster of rumination feels like an impossible task because rumination feels productive. Rumination feels active and helpful. I want to find the truth about something and when I rethink and relive thoughts, I feel like I’m part of the solution. Ignoring my desire to ruminate feels like I’m sinning because I’m no longer focusing on figuring out problems that appear extremely important and valuable. The truth is, God wants us to rest all those uncertainties on Him, even the ones that have to do with our scrupulous fears about how much we’ve failed or how much we might’ve blasphemed. This strategy of resting in uncertainty is hard, but we aren’t alone in tackling it. God sits with us as our palms get sweaty and our chests get tight. He walks beside us as we make the choice to let a scary thought go, even when we feel sickened to do so. He loves us in our brokenness. We don’t need to fear what will happen when we don’t ruminate because Christ already won our souls on the cross and gave us total certainty in our destiny. That “just right” feeling we’re searching for won’t happen this side of heaven, but that’s okay because we can confidently rest in God’s powerful and all-knowing certainty that He is in total control.
My prayer is that I will chew far less on the fears I have, but instead would feed my soul with scripture so I can remember the concrete promises God provides, especially when I’m tempted to spit up fear and rethink it one more time.
