Imposter Syndrome Strikes Again
Writing a book wasn’t in my plan. I never expected I would self-publish a book openly sharing about my struggles with OCD. As I’ve received kind notes from people about my book and my website, I find myself getting a strange feeling that maybe I’m an imposter. What if I haven’t struggled enough or faced real OCD challenges? So many people have struggled with OCD in ways that seem far more challenging, so maybe my story isn’t “OCD enough” to count.
My OCD has been relatively quiet over the last few years. I’ve been blessed to be on very little medication to manage my symptoms. I still deal with anxiety related to my OCD, but it feels more familiar now and I don’t battle with compulsions in the same ways I used to. God has mercifully given me a reprieve from my more extreme fears and worries, some of which I’ve never shared here or in the book. As I’ve talked with new friends who battle with the same diagnosis, my most severe fears feel far in the past and my mind wonders if my diagnosis still stands. It suddenly becomes tempting to wonder if I’m qualified to speak about OCD given how well I’m doing now…..maybe I’m a fraud.
I told my sister about my fears regarding not actually having OCD and she kindly reminded me that I was greatly mistaken. I tried to convince her that maybe she was wrong, and I never had OCD to begin with. Maybe I was an imposter, a liar, and a horrible human being! What if I was looking to write about something as though I’d experienced it when I was just a regular person who gets anxious sometimes? What if I hadn’t suffered enough from OCD to properly speak to it? What if I don’t actually have it anymore? What if…
She was patient with me while she listened to my entire pitch before replying. I’m thankful to have family members who understand me, and she saw where I was trying to go with my argument but wasn’t buying it. She knew that I was wrong and knew that I was compulsively looking to convince her of something that my OCD was skewing. When I was finally finished talking, she lovingly drew my attention to the reality of my past. She reminded me that I needed to be thankful for how well I was doing now while also remembering the struggles I’d faced years ago. She understands that my doing well now doesn’t somehow discredit what I’ve been through in the past but instead shows me how God has been faithful in my healing process.
I’ve read about other people with OCD who feel tempted to believe that maybe their diagnosis isn’t real or maybe is a mistake. It can become all too easy to feel like the counselor or doctor has made a huge error and the things we fear about ourselves are true, using the OCD label as a convenient scapegoat. These kinds of thoughts are more creative ways for OCD to distort the truth and torture our minds. We must remember that the freedom we feel in the diagnosis is a good thing, not a lie. OCD is called ‘the doubting disease’ for a reason and it will make us question even our very diagnosis.
I feel so unworthy of being used by God through my book and this blog. I never imagined God would choose me to be an instrument in sharing about something I was once so ashamed of. No, I’m not battling the awful intrusive thoughts like I once did, and I don’t have to think about how to battle my OCD every single day. These truths don’t make me an imposter or a fraud, but instead, show God’s faithfulness in my story. If you’re struggling with OCD, I pray that my Prozac-infused new normal gives you big hope that there can be better days ahead.
