Jumping Scared
I’ve been pondering the idea of a blog for a while now. After accidentally writing a fiction manuscript, I felt the mental itch to continue writing. My husband says I’m like Forrest Gump; I started writing and have yet to decide to stop. I guess I have more to say? It’s likely shocking to those who know me that I could possibly have a lot to say about anything. Sensing the sarcasm?
Writing this blog and manuscript feels like I’m purposely jumping off a cliff into a gorgeous pool of water. I am terrified yet exhilarated at the same time. I don’t want to take the plunge, but when I look down at the sparkling clear water it calls to me. The end result suddenly feels worth the risk and discomfort. I’m jumping scared.
As a child I wrote short stories about wild and adventurous characters, dreaming that my words would one day be long enough to become a book. I never filled up enough pages and my quiet dream morphed into other endeavors. Fiction is where I find myself the most intrigued as a reader, so naturally that is a safe space for me as a writer as well.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know if what I write is any good. I don’t feel comfortable even calling myself a ‘writer’ or ‘author’ because I haven’t written anything people would know about yet! I don’t have the best grammar and I most definitely don’t remember grammar lessons from my High School English classes. I sure wish I did! Despite all that, one day God put it on my heart to tell my children sections of my own story. He wanted me to tell the parts that aren’t the most beautiful and certainly don’t paint me in the most attractive light. My story is seasoned with anxiety, stress, and the constant internal battling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Society thinks that OCD is an admirable trait; one that creates order and cleanliness. All too often I hear people saying that they are “so OCD” because they like their personal belongings and home organized. They might like to have file folders color coordinated or insist people take off their shoes when they come inside. These behaviors are nothing like OCD, but our society has begun to associate all things clean and micromanaged with those three letters.
Then one day God suddenly gave me a desire and calling to write. He didn’t only call me to write, but He gave me the exact story he wanted me to tell based on my own experiences with OCD. The story points to God as the giver of all good things and the eternal winner in every battle we face. The manuscript was entirely accidental. I didn’t mean to write it.
The words that flowed from my fingers were all the uncomfortable things I’d experienced with OCD. The words jumped out of me. I was scared to let the words about my battles come out into a public space. I was fearful that what I was saying or how I was saying it wouldn’t be good enough, but I was compelled to share that I have found joy in the difficult times I faced with OCD and I continue to find joy in the Savior who promises me life in Him. The story I wrote is for my children and my husband. They are the people I was originally writing for, but my prayer is that my words would become a resource for people outside my family as well. I want to teach the world about what OCD really is while also communicating that no one is alone in their battles with it or any other mental illness. I wanted to write a story that would produce hope. The book is being self-published, hopefully available for purchase early 2021.
In the meantime, as I move through the steps involved with self-publishing, I will write. I will write for practice. I will write for fun. I will write for myself. I will write to be inspired. I will write because it’s fun!
I don’t know if this blog is a good idea or a terrible idea, but I do know that writing is what I have to do in order to grow, change, and remain a faithful servant. I can’t deny the call to help others understand mental illness. I feel the call to write stories that resonate with people and speak to their hearts. Most of all, I feel the call to write so people will know and follow Jesus. He is the only reason any of us has anything to say at all. He writes all our stories. He completes all our sentences. He gets the last word.
