Friendship Fails

Ever get that sinking feeling in your tummy that maybe you’ve gone too far and said something that you wish you could take back? Of course, we’ve all been in that situation, tasting the saltiness of our feet after speaking too quickly. How could I have said that? What have I done?

Or maybe we realized midway through a conversation with one friend that we’ve said something too personal about another. Was that gossip? Am I a terrible friend?

Did I ignore her? Was I rude? Did I sound snippy? Was I making good eye contact? Was I talking bad about her and didn’t mean to? Or maybe I meant to? Was that my news to share?

I’m a sinner, so I have failed my friends countless times. I strive to love my people well, but I all too often sin against the people I’m closest to, oftentimes, my friends. The hard cycle is putting my actual sin at the foot of the cross, asking for forgiveness, and then forgiving myself. The tricky part can be letting go of the desire for rumination and seeking reassurance from all who will listen, excluding God.

Reassurance is my compulsion of choice. Whether I’ve imagined doing something wrong or sinned against someone for real, the need for constant reassurance after the fact can become all-consuming. Distracting chatter deep in my brain overtakes my thinking as I analyze how I can make things right again, but even after forgiveness, the temptation to seek reassurance from anyone in my life draws me in. I want to hear that I’m “normal” or that whatever I’ve done is “okay.” We all feel proper conviction when the Holy Spirit moves us and that’s a right heart posture to enter into when appropriate. Repentance is good, rumination is not.

Another common challenge can be the fabrication of sin where there is none. The ‘what-ifs’ from conversations and interactions with others quickly become obsessive. It’s a feeling of dread that washes over me during or after conversations when maybe I spoke too impulsively or hurt someone’s feelings. I get stuck in a loop wondering about every word I said and how they were perceived. Then the fun begins; I start texting. I usually text my sister or mom first, tell them the horrors of my words, and ask them what they think I did wrong. Usually, they give me a patient, reassuring reply, but that’s never enough. I’ll usually find a way to contact whoever I may have offended and clarify myself. Ah yes, clarification; the ultimate compulsion. I love to clarify things with my friends. I get momentary relief when I can fill in the gaps to explain what I meant by what I said or did. In keeping with compulsions, whether I receive reassurance from whoever I’ve wronged or not, the dread only comes back. Compulsions don’t fix the anxiety; they only make the feeling go away for a short moment before the panic comes back stronger.

Thankfully, I have good news! Stepping away from a conversation to sit in discomfort always feels hard, but when it’s over, there is joy that follows. I am choosing to trust in Jesus more. I trust the Holy Spirit will reveal any real sin in my heart. I trust that He will meet me if true repentance is needed. I can trust His promises to work in and through me. When I let the panic rise and fall without seeking reassurance, I am letting Him convict me instead of my OCD. God wants me to have a repentant heart, not a ruminating one. No need to overthink my sin because Jesus has already taken care of it.