Original Thoughts
I never planned to publish Loving Naomi for strangers to read or purchase. I figured the story would be a fun thing to print off and add to my bookshelf for my kids to read someday, but that was about where the dream ended. I wrote the character, Naomi, as though her brain thought like mine, so many of her thoughts are ones I’ve experienced. There are a few thoughts I left out of the story because they feel extreme and I’m not ready to share them with the world just yet, or ever. I want people to experience how irritating and debilitating OCD can be. I want readers to hear Naomi’s desperation as her brain rattles off thoughts that quickly become suffocating obsessions. Oftentimes for Naomi, these intrusive thoughts are about God. She fears that she will think the unthinkable and He will then cast her away, costing her for eternity. I want her thoughts to be raw and vulnerable so readers can fully grasp how OCD unapologetically takes over the mind.
Despite my plans not to publish anything, God had other ideas about how my words would get put out in the world. When we reached the final stages of editing, I noticed the publisher nitpicking certain important phrases in the book. Given the radical nature of Naomi’s thoughts, they took issue with much of what I wanted to communicate about them. One thought that originally repeats throughout the book is Naomi’s intrusive thought that painfully repeats, “stupid God.” In the original version, she continually wrestles with very extreme and angry intrusive thoughts about God, but unfortunately, these were taken out at the publisher’s request. I know taking these phrases out was necessary to publish the book, but if I’m honest, there was an intentional purpose in how I wrote her thoughts the first time.
The thoughts we have about God are extreme sometimes and that’s okay. One common type of scrupulous fear involves thoughts that feel too evil for God or too nasty about God. Often, the worrier believes that the thoughts they have about God will control whether God will let them into heaven or continue to save them. OCD causes the mind to think horrid things about God or Jesus and perpetuates the cycle of needing to think about God in a “perfect” way. If these horrible thoughts happen, then the thinker is doomed forever and the fear that comes from that is indescribable. Imagine thinking that one thought could doom your future forever, even with a heart that is screaming to believe and get it right. Imagine uncertainty in your faith, based on thoughts you’d never actually want to say out loud to anyone, especially to your God who loves you. And imagine feeling like your mind is racing with filth about a Holy God you are dying to connect with but feel you will never reach because you can’t control what you think and sometimes feel about Him. I want Naomi’s thoughts about God to shock the reader's attention. I want the idea that she would call God “stupid” to feel as horrifying to the reader as it does for Naomi. Taking that phrase out of the book strips a bit of the authenticity and pain that comes with having those types of intrusive thoughts.
All too often people think having OCD means being organized and type A when OCD causes the sufferer to lose control of their thoughts and become fearful of themselves. When you read my book I want you to know what the original was supposed to spark inside of you as you learn about the nuances of how tortuous OCD can be, while also supplying great hope that our God doesn’t cast us away when our thoughts become too scary to stomach.
