Am I a Fool?
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It was a silly fear, like so many of the ones I had as a teen, but this particular fear was oozing with deception. This fear no doubt made Satan smile to himself. My heart was convinced I was right, and one tiny Bible verse made the worry legit. I grew up believing in Jesus and learning about His love for me. I understood my sin but was told on repeat that there was nothing I could do to lose God’s love for me. I worked tirelessly to keep the “but what if” thoughts out of my mind, often exasperating my mother with drawn-out examples of how I’d committed unforgivable sins. Then came the Bible verse that I thought finally backed me up.
“But whoever says, ‘you fool,’ will be in danger of hell fire.” Matthew 5:22
I don’t remember when I first heard this verse, and I don’t remember why it resonated deeply with me, but for some reason, it catapulted into my brain and pitched a tent. I knew with adult-like confidence that saying or even thinking the word “fool” would land me in Hell. The more I tried not to think about the word, the more my heart would jump and panic at the potential appearance it would make in my mind or on my lips. Visions of the word would pop in my mind without warning. I could even feel my vocal cords engaging to say it when I was working my absolute hardest not to. My OCD had me convinced that a silly word would take away God’s forever love for me. I was behaving like a fool to keep from saying it. One incorrect formation of letters was going to strip me of all His covenant promises and I was one thought away from eternal condemnation. The more I believed the lies, the more frustrated with God I became. I felt deeply disturbed knowing if I shared my honest feelings with God I would only be more tempted to say that dreaded word. I was stuck.
My mom was the patient recipient of my badgering. I became quite clever in how I asked for reassurance, or so I thought. Despite being convinced she wasn’t getting annoyed with me, her impatience with this one particular fear was actually overflowing. She wanted her daughter to believe the truth that I was in Christ and I was “sealed in the Holy Spirit,” as she liked to say. One day, I answered her well-known words saying, “Yes Mommy, but what if I say ‘that word’? If I say ‘that word’ the Bible says I can’t go to heaven. I just thought ‘that word,’ so I must not be saved. Right? I can’t be saved anymore.” I will never forget the way she spun around slowly as I was chasing her. Her facial muscles were tense, and her eyes were wide as they locked in on my face. Suddenly, with no warning, she stamped her foot while yelling at the top of her lungs, “Fool! Fool! Fool! Fool! There! I said it!” My feet felt heavy, and I locked my knees as I screamed, “NOOOOO!!!!! Don’t say that!!!!” I burst into tears at the sudden realization that my fear didn’t just apply to me. If what I was worried about was true, then at that moment my mom was no longer forgiven and she wouldn’t go to heaven anymore— it all felt wrong. My insides ached at the thought of my mother losing her salvation because of me.
What my mom did was absolutely the right thing to do. Granted, she was exasperated, and it wasn’t in a controlled counseling environment, but she made me face my fear. She knew what I believed was false and I had to experience the panic that came with directly facing that fear head-on. I had to ride the wave of extreme discomfort so I could land on the other side and find reason. She followed up that interaction with properly interpreted scripture explaining to me that what Christ did on the cross cannot be undone. When we believe Jesus is Lord we cannot suddenly lose our salvation and freedom in Him on a whim. I remember my mom saying, “God isn’t fickle.”
“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” Romans 8:1
Every Christian doubts their faith or worries at times about being truly saved. So what makes my experience different? How does OCD morph those thoughts into something obsessive?
OCD attacks what a sufferer loves most. OCD tries to convince us that we are powerful enough to alter our lives and the lives of others with swift thoughts and actions. When OCD attacks our belief in God, it feels like just that, an attack. It’s violent and painful. The one place that should and needs to be our refuge becomes a scary invisible glass floor that can shatter with one wrong step. The need to obsess feels like an itch that can’t be scratched. The thoughts tingle at the edge of the brain but no amount of reasoning relieves the discomfort. The rumination process feels like tiny drips of water plopping over and over without ever fully filling up the sink enough to wash the worry away. The thought can’t be forgotten until it’s replaced. Resting on Jesus should be the first place we go, but when consuming fears control how we think about Him, the process gets all the more tricky. OCD takes normal doubt to a whole different level of intensity.
God must weep when He sees His children fearing that one false move is the end of His promises for them. Properly treating OCD will help restore the peace and hope that is supposed to come with reading God’s word. His words should never stir up fears and obsessions but can cover our weary hearts with hope because of the love Christ has for us. OCD may make reading God’s word and praying more challenging, but it’s not impossible. We can use the practical strategies God graciously provides in therapy to move away from scrupulosity and land back in the loving arms of a Savior who died for us.
